The White Sox — 81 games under .500! — are piling up mind-blowing numbers for the ages

For weeks now, months to be honest, we’ve been spending way too much valuable time making all-important comparisons between the 2024 White Sox and Casey Stengel’s legendarily hapless 1962 Mets. But now we know: That was actually the wrong comp.

These White Sox (current record: 33-114) would need a miracle to out-win those ’62 Mets (40-120). So it’s time to do something I never thought would happen: It’s time to turn our attention to those even more legendary 1899 Cleveland Spiders (attractive final record: 20-134).

I came to that mind-blowing realization Thursday morning, when the reality of this nutty little number hit home:

81 Games under .500!!!

As a longtime chronicler of everything Weird and Wild, I’ve seen a lot of stuff. But I thought to myself as I stared at the standings: Have I ever seen THAT? Have I ever seen any team that fell 81 freaking games under .500?

Here’s the truth: Nope. I. Have. Not. And neither have you, unless you’re a spritely 108 years old. And even if you are indeed 108 years old, your memory of previous 81-under-.500 history might be a little hazy. So allow me to fill you in.

The ’62 Mets? Sorry. Never got to 81 under.

The 2003 Tigers? Sorry. They never made it either.

Both of those teams got to 80 under. But it takes a truly special group to sink below 80 games under the sea. So let’s salute these White Sox because they’re one of those extraordinary teams that took a wrong turn and just kept going.

And who are those extraordinary teams? Here they come — the only teams in American League/National League/19th-century American Association history that ever got to 81 under or worse (in chronological order):

Whitey Witt’s 1916 A’s — Fell to 81 under at 33-114, just like these White Sox, except it wasn’t until Sept. 27 and they had only six games left in the season … but they somehow won three of them! (Final record: 36-117.)

Harry Colliflower’s 1899 Spiders — There’s a reason the Spiders are the poster boys for single-season futility, you know. They plummeted to 81 under on Aug. 31 (at 19-100). They still had 35 games to play … and they lost 34 of them! (Final record: 20-134.)

Kirtley Baker’s 1890 Alleghenys — Once upon a time, before the Spiders, these guys were the standard for 19th-century ineptitude. They descended to 81 under on Sept. 16 (at 21-102). They had 14 games remaining … and won two! (Final record: 23-113, plus two ties.)

Toad Ramsey’s 1889 Colonels — The worst team in the American Association’s glorious history, the Colonels tumbled to 81 under at 26-107. Fortunately, it was Oct. 8, so they had only five games left … and won one! (Final record: 27-111.)

And that’s the whole 81-Under Club. But if you were paying attention (in case we spring an end-of-season 2024 White Sox quiz on you), you might have noticed something. Only once, in nearly a century and a half of major-league history, had any team awakened this early in September and found itself 81 games under .500 or worse. And it was … those 1899 Spiders, because of course it was!

Yet now the Spiders have company, in these 2024 White Sox? What a time to be alive.

GO DEEPER

White Sox might break record for losses. How should the 1962 Mets feel about it?

Wednesday’s loss to the Guardians dropped the White Sox to 1-27 in their past 28 games at home. (Kamil Krzaczynski / Imagn Images)

But meanwhile, in other important White Sox news …

They can’t go home again! Since the second game of their July 10 doubleheader with Minnesota, the White Sox are 1-27 when they play baseball in their home park. One and 27! According to Baseball Reference, only one other team in the modern era has ever had a 1-27 stretch at home (or worse). And it was those 1916 A’s (also 1-27, in a messy 28-game span in July and August).

So that means, just since that game against the Twins on July 10, nine teams have more wins at Guaranteed Rate Field than the team that plays half its season on that field. There would be more teams, of course, but only nine have been allowed to play there by the schedule-makers of America.

Second to none! This seems impossible, but the White Sox are now 6-43 in the second half. Six and 43! Does this seem bad? How about historically bad. Since the invention of All-Star breaks, the fewest games any team has won in the second half of a non-strike season is 15, by Orie Arntzen’s 1943 A’s (15-61). I’m starting to think the White Sox aren’t going to catch them.

Late starters! In a related development, White Sox starters are now 2-30 in the second half. Two and 30! The record for the worst second-half winning percentage by any rotation is .167 (7-35), by Paolo Espino’s 2022 Nationals. I’m starting to think the White Sox might not catch that group, either.

No one will save you! On those sporadic occasions when the White Sox take a lead, they’ve been known to call on their bullpen to protect it. Here’s how that’s gone:

When they bring in their relievers in save situations, their bullpen’s record is now 3-17. Three and 17! Plus a 7.79 ERA, 31 blown saves and (somehow) more home runs allowed (26) than saves converted (18).

I rumbled through the Baseball Reference files for way too long. How many other teams could I find, since the dawn of the modern save rule in 1969, with more gopherballs than saves in those situations? That would be none!

I could keep going here for hours. But did you know …

• This White Sox team hasn’t started a pitcher with a winning record in over a month? Not even some opener who was 1-0. It’s 36 games in a row now, the fourth-longest streak in franchise history.

• The White Sox have now lost their first game of every month – April, May, June, July, August and September? Can’t beat that kind of consistency.

• It’s Sept. 13 … and the White Sox have won 33 games! You know when the Guardians won their 33rd game? How about May 22! That’s three and a half freaking months (and 111 days) ago!

• And finally, is it too late to wish a happy 105th birthday to Loyola of Chicago icon Sister Jean? As a friend of mine reminded me on Sister Jean’s birthday last month, she’s been gracing our planet for more than a century now. And she has seen the White Sox win a postseason game in exactly one of those 105 years (2005, obviously). I’m starting to think the chances of her seeing another win this October aren’t good.