Welcome to the 18th edition of Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
Balls that move in the air
If all else fails, blame the ball.
Arsenal may have scored five goals against Bolton in the third round, three against Preston North End in the fourth round and another three against Crystal Palace in the quarter-finals (that’s 11 in three matches, to confirm) but when it came to scoring against Newcastle United in the first leg of their Carabao Cup semi-final at the Emirates, suddenly the Puma Orbita 1 ball was a problem.
“It’s tricky that these balls fly a lot so there’s details that we can do better,” Mikel Arteta said, while keeping a straight face.
“It’s just different. Very different to a Premier League ball, and you have to adapt to that because it flies different, when you touch it the grip is very different as well so you adapt to that.”
A ball that moves, yeah that is a tough one to be fair. What next? Corner flag too blowy? Air too fresh? Blades of grass too individual?
Arteta ponders the trajectory of a moving ball (Glyn Kirk/AFP via Getty Images)
Arteta isn’t the only manager to have come up with a ridiculous reason for his team not scoring in the EFL Cup. His mentor Pep Guardiola did exactly the same thing a few years ago when Manchester City scraped past then-Championship side Wolves on penalties after a 0-0 draw in 2017. The ball was the problem.
“It is too light, it moves all over the place,” Guardiola said. “It is impossible to score with a ball like that.”
Impossible? Or did City just go and win the trophy that season, scoring nine goals in their next four matches? Curious.
What will Arteta blame if Arsenal don’t beat Manchester United in the FA Cup this weekend? Perhaps he’ll take inspiration from Jurgen Klopp and blame the weather?
“The wind came from all directions, it’s not exactly what we wanted,” Klopp said after, yes, his Liverpool team failed to score against Everton a few years ago. Funny how these weird reasons never come up after a victory.
Maybe Arteta could blame the lack of a replacement for a player he doesn’t pick anymore, a la Gareth Southgate saying England didn’t have a natural replacement for Kalvin Phillips.
No Kieran Tierney replacement. Say that, Mikel.
GO DEEPER
Is Arteta right – do footballs really make a difference to performance?
You don’t see Portuguese second tier club Oliveirense making excuses like that.
If the painted lines on their pitch keep being wiped out by flooded conditions, they improvise by using milk.
Las fuertes lluvias habían borrado la tinta del campo de juego, por lo que para volver a pintarlas, los encargados decidieron usar LECHE. Insólito lo ocurrido en el Oliveirense – Felgueiras, de la Segunda División de Portugal.
— The Chips (@TheChips_Futbol) January 6, 2025
Apparently they do the same up at Cowdenbeath. I’ll get my coat.
May 2024
West Ham technical director Tim Steidten is banned from the first-team dressing room and training ground for the rest of the season amid reports that he and head coach David Moyes aren’t seeing eye to eye.
“We don’t want any distractions; we’re keeping our eye on the ball,” Moyes says.
Steidten and Moyes at West Ham (Mike Egerton/PA Images via Getty Images)
December 2024
Steidten stays away from the training ground again amid reports that he and head coach Julen Lopetegui aren’t seeing eye to eye.
West Ham insist Steidten is merely focusing on the upcoming winter transfer window.
January 2025
New head coach Graham Potter is asked if he’s looking forward to working with Steidten.
“I’m looking forward to working with the staff here at the club,” he says. “Unless you’re moving forward together it becomes very difficult. That’s the challenge.”
All the best with that one, Graham. Just remember that football banning orders clearly aren’t policed like they used to be.
Stay classy
Sean Dyche’s two-year tenure in charge at Everton ended in a dignified and professional manner on Thursday when he was sacked three hours before a match.
Dyche had even written his programme notes for the FA Cup game against Peterborough United, saying he wanted to “attack the challenge” in front of them.
Unfortunately for Dyche the only challenge he has now is how to get some Oasis tickets for the summer.
Still, at least Everton made up for humiliating Dyche by writing a nice statement about him and thanking him for his best efforts amid extremely trying circumstances at Goodison Park.
OK, yes, Everton’s top scorer since late October onwards might be Wolves defender Craig Dawson with two own goals, but Dyche not only kept dreadful Everton up with room to spare last season (even with an eight-point deduction), he also had them outside the relegation zone this season despite the Toffees being the only Premier League club who have had a minus net spend for the last two years (according to Transfermarkt).
Dyche’s final programme notes (Gareth Copley/Getty Images)
As he said after Saturday’s defeat to Bournemouth: “You look at the goalscoring records before I was here, it has been an ongoing challenge. I don’t know whether you have noticed, but the players that are able to do that cost a lot of money.”
Instead he’s been given Armando Broja (five goals in 56 appearances for club and country in the previous two seasons).
So yeah, good on Everton for paying tribute to the likeable Dyche who retained his dignity
No, wait, they actually just wrote a terse four-paragraph statement with the most heartfelt, sentimental line being: “Everton Football Club can confirm that Sean Dyche has been relieved of his duties.”
Classy.
And finally, just when you think things couldn’t get any worse for Everton….
⏱️ 43′ GOOOOOAAAAAAALLL!!!! ⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️
NEAAAALLLL!! 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷#OMHAC | 3⃣ – 0⃣ | ⚪️🔵 pic.twitter.com/KmjTZZGBdG
— Olympique de Marseille 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 (@OM_English) January 5, 2025
(Top photo: Glyn Kirk/AFP via Getty Images)
