We are finally ramping up to the good stuff: March Madness, Kevin Harlan’s voice becoming a power saw, the minting of proper-noun plays and instant-classic finishes. There’s a lot to keep track of as the men’s and women’s college basketball seasons careen toward the championship game, and fortunately, The Athletic has plenty of coverage to help you own your bracket pool.
Here, you’ll find answers to your other questions — pressing, scientific questions like “Which program would win if these games were actual brawls between the mascots?”
Consider this a brief meditation before the intensity of the weeks to come. I pulled the official monikers and broke them down accordingly. Drop a comment to contest a fighter or suggest your sleeper picks. Scroll to the bottom for a completed mascot fight bracket based on the 2025 men’s field.
1. End of days tier
- Tritons (UC San Diego)
- Cyclones (Iowa State)
- Flames (Liberty)
UC San Diego has been a Division-I member for five years. This is just its second winning season in the Big West. Eric Olen’s squad is all but certainly not going to be crowned the national champions … in basketball. If this were indeed a Street Fighter, Super Smash Bros. kind of melee, I might pick the Tritons as the last ones standing. As Colin Cowherd-ly as possible: We’re talking about the son of Poseidon, Greek hydra-god of the open waters, possessor of the depths of the sea! And this team is the Tritons — plural!
The other clubhouse favorite for me is Iowa State. Can T.J. Otzelberger’s group really shake its late-season slump without Keshon Gilbert? Not relevant for this exercise; what matters is that actual cyclones are gravely catastrophic. The same goes for flames.
2. Professional fighters
- Musketeers (Xavier)
- Spartans (Michigan State, Norfolk State)
- Aztecs (San Diego State)
- Trojans (Troy)
- Gaels (Saint Mary’s)
- Commodores (Vanderbilt)
- Fighting Illini (Illinois)
- Volunteers (Tennessee)
- Rebels (Ole Miss)
Musketeers can fire lethal weapons from a distance. They can’t just shoot their way out of the things in that first tier, but they can certainly beat everything else in the field. If anyone can upset the formidable Tritons, it may be ship-commanding commodores.
Sparta was a society oriented around military dominance. If any mortal beings can defeat a deity or a natural disaster, it’s probably someone like them. Similarly, the Aztec Empire took to warfare with religious fervor. Gaelic culture has persisted since the Iron Age, with an armored infantry that specialized in axes, swords and raid strikes. Troy’s Trojan army inspired The Iliad. The Fighting Illini are combatants by name; anyone who has ever aggrieved a Chicagoan will indeed tell you to turn that fight down.
Volunteers sound innocuous if hilarious at first — perhaps you pictured a menacing group of nonprofit workers with clipboards and donation boxes. But the name historically comes from Tennesseans who joined the state militia during the War of 1812. Who wants smoke from Rick Barnes’ pro-bono warriors?
I chose to rank the Rebels last among this set. In the abstract, rebel forces are intimidating, duh. But there’s no valor in the specific etymology, and that’s that. On a far lighter note — I fashioned myself a “rebel” in the fifth grade when I wore Quicksilver sweatshirts and torrented music off Limewire, and that kid was not beating any of the mascots in this pool.
3. “Nope, nope, absolutely not”
- Bears (Baylor)
- Grizzlies (Montana)
- Bruins (UCLA)
- Gators (Florida)
- Longhorns (Texas)
- Bisons (Lipscomb)
- Wolverines (Michigan)
- Rams (VCU, Colorado State)
- Hornets (Alabama State)
Not quite at the supernatural or trained soldier level, these animals are still terrifying when provoked. Of course we’ll avoid literally poking the bear(s). Wolverines — non-Hugh Jackman category, mind you — are ferocious hunters that take down prey several times their size. Texas Longhorn cattle have Kevin Durant-sized horns; bison crack four-digit poundage. Rams are linebacker-sized aggressors that lead with their heads. Alligators can grow to a full 16 feet, which is so very harrowing. Remember the invasive “murder hornet” swarms from a few years ago?
4. Other humans
- Mountaineers (Mount St. Mary’s)
- Cowboys (McNeese)
- Boilermakers (Purdue)
- Aggies (Texas A&M, Utah State)
- Tar Heels (North Carolina)
- Mavericks (Omaha)
- Colonials (Robert Morris)
- Sooners (Oklahoma)
Here we’ve got our laborers, manufacturers and agriculturists. All of them should be ready to rumble from the jump. Mountaineers and cowboys are pro survivalists. Boilermakers will have the weaponry from blacksmithing; “aggies” are self-sufficient and good with their hands; “tar heels” show physical endurance and take pride in the grunt work. The mavericks are either pugnacious individuals or the type of people that would trade a 25-year-old Luka Dončić. Sooners get the Ole Miss treatment from me.
5. Enormous cats, aggressive dogs and feral animals
- Tigers (Auburn, Missouri, Clemson, Memphis)
- Panthers (High Point)
- Lobos (New Mexico)
- Cougars (Houston, BYU, SIUE)
- Razorbacks (Arkansas)
- Antelopes (Grand Canyon)
- Bulldogs (Gonzaga, Mississippi State, Bryant, Yale, Drake, Georgia)
- Huskies (UConn)
- Terriers (Wofford)
- Badgers (Wisconsin)
- Wildcats (Arizona, Kentucky)
Tigers are apex predators who ambush their prey. I grouped them with their fellow cats for convenience, but they can easily go in the “absolutely not” tier and hang there … along with panthers. Definitely along with panthers. These two are the under-seeded teams that roll through the first weekend.
Wolves are cooperative hunters who move in packs. After some research, I’ve learned that cougars are less likely to attack foes outright, but agility and jumping prowess make them a hard out no matter what. On the other end stylistically is the razorback hog, a rock fighter of fat and bristle that can exceed 300 lbs. Dogs bite; cats scratch; badgers don’t care. As for bulldogs vs. huskies, I feel like bulldogs are guard dogs and junkyard fixtures while huskies are more elegant, so I’m taking the bulldog first. Terriers are the wild card of this tier — which team is showing up, Pit Bull Terrier or Yorkie?
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Projecting the bracket | Best picks to win the title | Best bracket names
6. Color Wars
- Red Storm (St. John’s)
- Red Raiders (Texas Tech)
- Blue Devils (Duke)
- Crimson Tide (Alabama)
- Red Flash (Saint Francis)
- Golden Eagles (Marquette)
- Bluejays (Creighton)
This is the section with the most variance. In my opinion, adding colors to names is a bit hammy. Blame the “Backyard Sports” series, I guess.
No one fears the birds at the bottom here, but Red Storm sounds apocalyptic. Red Raiders could be trouble, or it could be shorthand for the Mark Davis signature bowl cut. Crimson Tide is another toss-up. The university itself credits the Birmingham Age-Herald, with sports editor Hugh Roberts dropping the term in 1907 to describe a muddy 6-6 tie with Auburn. But “crimson tide” was also an oft-used phrase in 19th century war poetry. Saint Francis got its name from a sportswriter’s copy, too.
The Blue Devils were soldiers from the French Alps. They’re also sad, melancholic spirits … and rare fish, apparently.
7. No fear tier
- Eagles (American)
- Seahawks (UNCW)
- Jayhawks (Kansas)
- Cardinals (Louisville)
- Ducks (Oregon)
- Terrapins (Maryland)
- Zips (Akron)
Look, birdwatching is noble and worthwhile recreation. Birds are generally awesome, fascinating and very hilarious. But they are not high picks for this forthcoming interspecies brawl. That goes double for small turtles. The “zips” are really, truly just short for zippers. At least they’ll be warm when they take the L.
Mascot bracket
A few of my favorite matchups to emerge from this exercise:
- Bluejays and Cardinals met in Round 1. They’ll face off again in two interleague MLB series this summer.
- Antelopes against Terrapins made me laugh.
- I really didn’t know what to do with “red storm.”
- Spartans (the Norfolk State ones) beat Tigers in back-to-back trials to claim their region.
- Musketeers had an incredible run from the play-in to the Final Four.
- The first game in the Midwest Regional was a Cougar fight. I took the higher seed for a tiebreaker.
- Wait … the second Midwest game was Bulldog-Bulldog? What is happening on this side of the bracket?!
- The Volunteers are doing this for free. They drew a Bruin bear in Round 2. That’s when I would head out, personally.
- The Baylor Bears drew a very tough mismatch to take an early upset. Mountaineers are uniquely equipped to survive against them.
- I went Flames over Musketeers in that Final Four matchup. One cannot shoot their way out of fire.
- Tritons quench the Flames in the final. That’s basic elementals.
Non-tourney picks
- Dragons (Drexel)
- Mastodons (Purdue Fort Wayne)
- Paladins (Furman)
- Sun Devils (Arizona State)
- Hurricanes (Miami) / Golden Hurricane (Tulsa)
- Demons (Northwestern State)
There are no shortage of suitable choices here. I went for two larger-than-life beasts in the dragons and mastodons. If you’re curious to learn what a paladin is, that curiosity will be totally rewarded. Back in the eighth century, they were the 12 legendary knights of Emperor Charlemagne’s court; today, they’re a character class in “Dungeons & Dragons” that cast divine spells and crusade for Lawful Good. I’d take either one to reach the Sweet 16.
The “sun devil” has the infernal heat to go far, while the “golden hurricane” sounds destructive but weirdly regal (I still stand on it, colors make names goofier). Put me on the opposite side of the bracket as the “demons,” please.
Least likely to make the cut
- The Beach (Long Beach State)
- Chanticleers (Coastal Carolina)
- Hatters (Stetson)
- Ramblers (Loyola Chicago)
- Retrievers (UMBC … to be fair, they’ll scare Virginians to their cores)
- Sycamore (Indiana State)
(Illustration: Kelsea Petersen / The Athletic; Photos: Jamie Squire / Getty Images, Andy Lyons / Getty Images, Yong Tek Lim / Getty Images, Elsa / Getty Images)
