On a brilliant summer day near Santa Barbara last week, a group of friends got together, met by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, better known as Harry and Meghan. It was a meeting of an exclusive club, one that no one wanted to join. Most of the parents here have lost a child – directly or indirectly – as a result of exposure to online social media.
Harry and Meghan are trying to give them, and parents like them, someplace to turn for help. It’s called The Parents’ Network, in association with the couple’s charitable Archewell Foundation, and it officially launches today.
Meghan Markle herself knows a thing or two about online bullying, and of course her husband, Harry, is no stranger to that, either … or to unspeakable grief.
Pauley asked, “The central topic is the loss that these families have suffered, stories that need to be shared, because the parents who are listening who have not suffered a loss think that they couldn’t. But they could.”
“They certainly could,” Harry said. “And that’s, I think, one of the scariest things that we’ve learnt over the course of the last 16, 17 years that social media’s been around, and more so recently, is the fact that it could happen to absolutely anybody. We always talk about in the olden days if your kids were under your roof, you knew what they were up to; at least they were safe, right? And now, they could be in the next-door room on a tablet or on a phone and can be going down these rabbit holes. And before you know it, within 24 hours, they could be taking their life.”
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Meghan said, “Our kids are young; they’re three and five. They’re amazing. But all you want to do as parents is protect them. And so, as we can see what’s happening in the online space, we know that there’s a lot of work to be done there, and we’re just happy to be able to be a part of change for good.”
“Well, you hope that when your children ask for help, someone, you know, is there to give it,” said Pauley.
“If you know how to help, right?” said Harry. “At this point, we’ve got to the stage where almost every parent needs to be a first responder. And even the best first responders in the world wouldn’t be able to tell the signs of possible suicide. Like, that is the terrifying piece of this.”
It’s something Donna and Chris Dawley know all too well; their 17-year old son, C.J., died from suicide after what they believe was depression fueled by social media use.
“We had no idea what happened to our son,” said Donna. “You know, he had a beautiful car. He had a job he liked.”
“Sisters that loved him, parents that adored him,” said Chris.
“And he was happy,” said Donna. “He was a happy kid.”
And like so many parents in their place, the Dawleys say a factor in their son’s depression and death was his smartphone – a device designed to be so addictive that he couldn’t put it down, not even in the minutes before he died. “He still had it in his hand, the phone; that’s how addicted he was,” said Donna. “He couldn’t even kill himself without posting about it first.”
And like the Dawleys, it’s often impossible for parents, or anyone else, to see that someone was so deep in despair that they’d consider taking their own life.
Meghan has been there, as she told Oprah Winfrey in 2021: “Look, I was really ashamed to say it at the time, and ashamed to have to admit it to Harry especially, because I know how much loss he suffered. But I knew that if I didn’t say it, that I would do it … and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore.”
Pauley asked her, “You had an experience that connects you to these families – and I see you touch your husband’s hand in just the way I knew that you would be looking after each other if I went places – but the connection that you have with people is they know you had suffered, too, personally. Contemplating killing yourself is what suicidal ideation was. And I’m dancing around this because I could see you’re uncomfortable with my even going there…”
“I understand why you are, though – I wasn’t expecting it, but I understand why you are, because there is a through-line, I think,” Meghan said. “And when you’ve been through any level of pain or trauma, I believe part of our healing journey (certainly part of mine) is being able to be really open about it. And you know, I haven’t really scraped the surface on my experience. But I do think that I would never want someone else to feel that way. And I would never want someone else to be making those sort of plans. And I would never want someone else to not be believed.
“So, if me voicing what I have overcome will save someone, or encourage someone in their life to really genuinely check in on them and not assume that the appearance is good, so everything’s okay, then that’s worth it,” Meghan said. “I’ll take a hit for that.”
This in-person gathering was just for the launch – the Parents’ Network will meet mostly online. But group facilitator Leora Wolf-Prusan said the important thing is what the group will talk about: “We’re gonna stop expecting you to be ‘done’ with your grief in a year,” she told Pauley. “We’re gonna stop telling you that we’re tired of hearing the stories of internet harm. Like, we will say your kid’s name over and over again, ’cause they existed, and they mattered. And that we know that it wasn’t your fault. That’s it, right? It wasn’t your fault. This happened to you. And now we as a community get to create something with you.”
Some of the group’s charter members are Taj and Selene Swanson-Jensen, whose son, Tanner, died from an overdose of drugs pushed online; Brandy and Toney Roberts, who lost their daughter, Englyn, to suicide after online bullying; and Perla Mendoza, whose son, Eli, died when a painkiller he bought online was actually a lethal dose of fentanyl.
Pauley said, “Thank you for being here. But I have to ask: Why would you do this?”
Taj replied, “Simple answer: So others don’t have to live what we’ve lived, and will continue to live.”
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Perla said, “I don’t expect anything from anyone. This is just a labor of love in honor of my son and all the other children that have lost their lives to fentanyl. This is for the mother who cannot get out of bed, for the dad that won’t leave his house. I stand here for them, too. And I hope that one day, when it’s my turn to go home, I’ll see my son, and he’ll tell me, ‘Good job, Mama.'”
The idea here is that there is comfort, and power, in numbers, with the goal (as Harry himself once said) of turning pain into purpose.
Meghan said, “I think you have to start somewhere. I think the simplest thing that anyone watching this or anyone who’s able to make change to look at it through the lens of, ‘What if it was my daughter? What if it was my son? My son, or my daughter who comes home, who are joyful, who I love, and one day, right under my roof, our entire lives change because of something that was completely out of our control?’ And if you look at it through the lens as a parent, there is no way to see that any other way than to try to find a solution.”
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, you can reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You can also chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline here.
For more information about mental health care resources and support, The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–10 p.m. ET, at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or email info@nami.org.
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Story produced by John D’Amelio and Julie Kracov. Editor: Steven Tyler.
