If you’re like many couples, you and your spouse retreat to the couch after a long day of work and … scroll.
Turns out that may not be such a great idea.
That’s because about half of partnered adults in the U.S. (those who are married, living together or in a committed relationship) say their partner is often or sometimes distracted by their cellphone when they’re talking to them, according to a 2020 Pew Research Center report called Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age. Forty percent say they are at least sometimes irked by the amount of time their partner is on their mobile device. And 34% have looked through their partner’s phone without their knowledge.
One such mobile device time suck? Social media. Another Pew study—Americans’ Social Media Use, published this year—found that about 83% of U.S. adults report having ever used YouTube. Facebook is also up there with 68% having used it. Instagram follows at 47%. U.S. adults 25 and older spend an average of 125 minutes a day on Tik Tok, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat.
But this behavior is more than just turning off the world in favor of screentime. Feeling like your partner is paying more attention to the myriad social media apps available on their phone or mobile device and sharing information there can be destructive to a relationship.
“It really can be challenging to try to navigate,” says Katherine M. Hertlein, PhD, LMFT, and Professor at Wright State University. “One of the ways that it affects couples are the challenges to understanding what the boundaries are. For example, what are the rules in the relationship? Does it pertain to who you talk to or with whom you share information? Couples had a lot of agreements prior to getting together and clarity around what constituted a boundary violation. Typically that involves some sort of physical contact with another party. With the advent of the Internet, that became much less clear, and with the advent of social media that became even more challenging.”
The good news is that by being aware of so-called social media transgressions couples can identify them before they do real relationship damage.
Issue 1: Phubbing
Also called “phone snubbing,” says Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, voice behind @lizlistens and author of Til Stress Do Us Part and I Want This to Work, this act occurs when one so intently scrolls through their social media feed that they ignore their partner, essentially tuning them out.
“Phubbing causes several issues that include interpersonal conflict,” she says. “For example, a partner asks their partner for more attention and the partner on their phone snaps at them for the request. [There is also a] lack of connection because the person is involved in their phone and unaware of what is around them, and ultimately turning-away behavior which eventually leads to a distance and isolation cascade in the relationship.”
Issue 2: Influencer advice
It’s the rare social media user who has not come across content created by an influencer, be it around a tube of lipstick, closet organizer or garden tool.
Social media influencers also post with advice for couples dealing with conflict. Earnshaw says this can sometimes create more harm than good.
“I have many couples who are harming their relationship due to taking too much social media advice to heart, especially the use of ‘therapy speak,’ she says. “Many people will read a short social media post and then diagnose their partner and their relationship ills without the nuance of true professional assessment and help. This has specifically made it more difficult to dialogue on issues because people are ‘certain’ about what is wrong with their partner. Specific topics that have been misused and I’ve seen harm relationships are boundaries, gaslighting, and narcissism. It’s really important to truly understand these and to get professional help instead of oversimplifying them.”
Issue 3: Betrayal
From sharing a marital argument to connecting with a high school crush, social media betrayal can take many forms. The outcome, however, is the same: a loss of trust and emotional pain such as anger, resentment or suspicion.
Earnshaw says she has met “with many couples who have done an act of betrayal through social media.” They include information sharing without permission, which “might be oversharing information about their partner in the comment section of a social media post that everyone can see, oversharing about relationship issues on their own Facebook post, or sharing a private story about their partner they didn’t have permission to share.”
Another biggie? Talking to someone behind their partner’s back.
“This might include talking to Only Fans models through DMs, reconnecting with an ex, or flirting with a stranger,” she says. “People also have used their social media messaging as a way to cheat on their partner in order to avoid texting.”
Issue 4: Comparison
Spend a few minutes flipping through your Instagram Stories and you might think spouses regularly treat their significant others to luxurious vacations, dine at the fanciest of restaurants and spend entire weekends socializing with scores of other happy couples.
That’s thanks to the so-called social media positivity bias, or presenting your life in an overly positive way on channels like Facebook, Instagram, X or TikTok. This can cause some spouses to question the health of their own marriages by comparing them to what they see online.
“It is common to hear stories from others regarding what their spouse may be doing for them, then question our relationship and why we do not receive the same special treatment,” says Anna Nguyen, MA., LMFT, Program Manager of Behavioral Health & Primary Care Integration for Providence in Orange County, Calif. “An important thing to consider is that the quick glimpse of stories on social media may or may not accurately portray what the entirety of someone’s relationship may look like—ups and downs included.”
Therapists say both boundaries and balance can help couples dealing with negative social media use.
“Phones and social media absolutely need boundaries in a relationship,” says Earnshaw. “Talk about what you expect in your relationship in terms of social media rules, how much time you should spend on it, and how you both agree to talk about it if social media or phone use gets in the way of your relationships.”
More on marriage and relationships:
